Dad Farts

Real Dad Blog Version:   Dad farts!  I do not think I need to go into any more detail.

We all know that our dad farts are smelly and disgusting to our wives. We also know that our wives do not fart.  As my older brother would say, all women play the air guitar. A nicer way to put it is they “drop roses.”  We could take the lovely smell in for hours at a time if it is our own.  If it is someone else’s fart, we may keel over and die.  Farts are a very serious matter as they can be both fun and disgusting.   When it comes to babies though, it is a laughing matter.

It all happened about a month ago when our son was about 11 months old.  I had a bowl of chili so my gas was primed and ready for some noise action.  The pressure was building up in my lower abdominal region.  The pressure got so great I had to let it go.  I let out rip roaring fart. My wife game a look of disgust while my son started laughing his head off.  He looked at me with tears in his eyes because he laughed so hard. It was a look of dad; you are the coolest for farting like real man.  I gave him a look back like I was proud of that one.   I also could tell he felt I scored one for the team by grossing his mom out.

Ever since that day our son will laugh if anyone farts.  He even laughs at his own loud gas bubbles.  What makes it a game is when he hears the flatulent sound he makes the fart sound with his tongue and then laughs and laughs.  It is unbelievable that he picked up the corresponding sound of his tongue and real farts.   I am glad I have a smart boy on my hands.  He is on his way to becoming a real man by enjoying farts as well as making similar sounds that correlate to his butt and mouth.   He’ll just have to learn in the future that when he gets married, it is better to hold it in instead of grossing out the wife.

Last Saturday, was a rainy and cold day in Minnesota.  We had a soccer game.   It is not the best of weather for a coach.  OK, it is miserable.  Before the soccer game started, I was kicking extra game balls to both goals to speed up the soccer game for when the ball goes out of bounds.  When I kicked the first ball, I fell right on my butt.  Never wear tennis shoes on wet grass and kick a soccer ball!  Whoops!  It happened in front of all my soccer players.  The weird thing is, I was the only one that was laughing at first.  After they saw me laugh, they began to laugh.

I was thinking, after I fell on my butt and laughed at myself, why do some people laugh in those situations, others get mad, and others get embarrassed?  A couple of days later, my son answered the question for me.  He was eating dinner and doing tricks with his sippy cup.  Watch the video and find out how he is having fun with the sippy cup and how he is  laughing at his fun.

He was laughing at himself because he created a new trick.  Instead of us laughing at him, we were laughing with him.  He was having fun.  I could have been mad or embarrassed about me falling on my butt because it was slippery outside.  I am glad I didn’t because if Rylan ever sees me do something silly, I can show him it is OK to laugh at yourself.

As parents, we teach our kids certain reactions.  They are innocent when they are born.  They learn a lot from us.  Teach your kids how to react in situations even if means laughing at yourself for doing something silly.  You are their role model.

19 Pound Baby - Dad Must Have Sore Arms

I could not believe the headline when I was looking at Yahoo’s homepage.  I saw 19-pound Baby!  I told my wife that she should come and look at this picture.  She could not believe it either.  We thought our baby was big when he was born at almost 10 lbs.  My wife had it easy compared to this baby delivery!  (Don’t tell her I said that.)

Long story short, this baby was born via c-section in the country of Indonesia.  As you can see from the picture, he is 3 times the size of most babies.  He is the size of an average 9 month old!  You may read more at this Associated Content article.

I hope this dad has some arms on him, as he will be doing a lot of heavy lifting in the next few months.

It all started about a month ago. Our son Rylan was fascinated with clocks. He liked watching the second hand move. We were trying to teach him the word for clock because when we would say the word clock he would point in its direction. When he finally tries to say the word, what does it come out as, the word, “cock.” He kept on saying the word over and over again even if there was not a clock. We just hoped he would not say that word in church. He still has not yet.

Rylan is picking up a lot of words, but, it is too bad he cannot pick up all the sounds yet. It does give us something to laugh at. Rylan is over at his grandma’s house a lot with his almost 2 year-old cousin. She likes to stand on furniture so she gets told to sit a lot. This past Thursday he picked up the word sit. He cannot make the S sound but he can make the SH sound. Which makes that word S-H-I-T. He has been saying that word over and over and over again. It does make us laugh hard. We just hope he doesn’t say cock or S-H-I-T in public.

My favorite swearing of all time was from a nephew of mine who was four at the time. His older brother is named Nicholas. He could not say the N sound but could say the D sound in its place. So it came out Dicholas. He would run around the house trying to get his older brother’s attention by saying, “Come here Dicholas.” My immature self could not help but laugh.

As a new dad, you are going to hear your kids swear. They may actually pick it up from you or they may replace letters instead. Please do your best not to swear around your kids as swearing in front of any kid does make you less of a role model

Please tell about your favorite kid swearing moment. We know they do not mean it but we all know it can be pretty funny hearing those words come out of their mouths!

Baby in Macy's Bag

Real Dad Blog Version:  Simple toys, better life.  Who would have thought a Macy’s bag could make a baby happy?!?!

We live in a world where high tech toys are intriguing our kids instead of the simple things that many of us grew up with.  Our kids do not need all this high tech stuff because they can have fun being outside on a swing or playing blocks in the house.  They need to be active.  These active toys are usually the cheapest toys to free toys.  You can make anything into a toy just like my wife did.

My wife went shopping with her mom at Macy’s and brought home her things in a Macy’s bag.   We all know Macy’s can be an expensive store.  They carry higher end quality products such as Citizens for Humanity Jeans to Vera Wang giftware.  I am glad that my wife was not coming home with such items.  She came home with some baby things for Rylan for my sister’s wedding.

Who would of thought that Rylan would not care about the clothes at all. All he cared about was playing with the bag with a big star on it, that being a Macy’s bag.  He started taking it and crawling all over the floor.  He loved the Macy’s bag.

Happy Baby in Free Toy - A Macy's Bag

My wife had the brilliant idea of putting our son in the bag.  He kicked and laughed for about 20 minutes even when he fell over in the bag.  Who would have thought such a simple bag would be this much fun.  Even though I do not like my wife going to Macy’s because I am afraid she is going to spend an arm and a lag, she can bring a bag home anytime.

Warning:  Never give your little kids a plastic bag!!!  This dad will put you on his dad losers’ list!

Adult Butt Wipes - A recommendation for a dad

Real Dad Blog Version:  Try adult butt wipes.  It will add an extra skip to your step and leave you refreshed after you do your duty in the bathroom.

About four years ago, I was at my older brother’s office in Florida. I had to go number two very badly. I went to reach for the toilet paper and there was nothing. I stood up and looked for toilet paper all around the bathroom, but the toilet paper was nowhere to be found. What to do? What to do? Should I use paper towels? Should I just not clean my butt (ick!) Low and behold, what do I see in front of me? Baby butt wipes!!!! I never used them before but why not? That was an experience in itself; my butt never felt so clean after pooping in a public place.

I later asked my brother why there was no toilet paper. He gave me a similar story about him being home and there being no toilet paper around for him to use. Since they had a little one, he decided to try butt wipes. He got hooked. Butt wipes are all he uses now.

Not being shy, I have shared my butt wipes experiences with other people. I have actually got some people hooked on butt wipes. They use the butt wipes religiously after going number two. One person I know is a former division I national champion football player. He has been using them for years. He has also got a lot of people hooked on butt wipes. Even the toughest of men use butt wipes proudly.

I barely use adult wipes myself unless I am somewhere else. I am very regular. I wake p in the morning, go poop, and I am able to use the shower, which is the best cleaner of the fanny.

What are the benefits of keeping some butt wipes on you? It will help prevent anal itch. Anal itch is horrible! It will give you a cleaner butt. It will also help you not use icky public toilet paper, which actually feels like the tree it came from. As my friend Matt would say after being introduced to butt wipes, “I now have an extra skip in my step.”

Be a man, and give them a try. You use them on your kids!

Master of the Remote - This Dad lost his title!

There is a time in a man’s life when he gets the TV of his dreams.  My TV is a 65-inch DLP.  I love the thing.  It is perfect for watching football on Sundays and baseball games throughout the week.  As I kid, I envied my dad, as he was the master and king of the remote control.  He got to watch what he wanted to watch.  He came home from work, ate dinner with us, sat himself in the recliner with the remote glued in his had and then he clicked on the news.  As a younger kid and even into my teenage years, I found the news dreadful and boring and wined about it.  It was a loosing battle on getting the remote.

The last 10 years I have been living on my own or married.  I have been able to be the master of the remote.  For the first few years I was able to watch a fair amount of TV especially with the release of high definition.

I do not watch much TV now, even with the big TV in the house.  When I do it is usually football, baseball or movies.

Dad's little baby with remote

During the TV show season I do enjoy watching Lost and 24.  Let’s get it right though, kids should not watch too much TV.  Melissa and I rarely have the TV on when Rylan is awake.  I honestly can’t remember when we’ve had the TV on besides sports shows and Wheel of Fortune when Rylan is up.

But tonight, I saw myself loosing the master of the remote title. I didn’t think I would lose it for a long time.  Let’s be honest, I didn’t think I would ever lose it.  Look at the pictures!  He is ready to own the remote.  He already knows the buttons work and can do magical things such as turn the TV or make the remote light up. Oh no!  Soon will come those learning TV shows such Barney, Sesame Street, Bob the Builder and Dora. I give it two years and my title of the master of the remote control is gone.  Thanks Big Bird!

Taking the remote away from a baby - Temper Temper temper!

Suggestions for New Dads:  If your wife hasn’t gained the title of the master of the remote control, your kids sure will.  Get ready to lose your title!   The little one has got their eyes on it.

Terms of Endearment

Real Dad Blog Version:  Once the child is born, they get all the terms of endearment.  The term of endearment for this dad is now amounted to the word “butt.”

Before we were married, Melissa and I had a lot of words of endearment for each other.  They were words such as “love”, “hot one” and “sexy”.  We did not use any weird words such “pookie” or even “sweetie”.  We did have other words too to say how much we love each other but I will keep that between my wife and me.  It would be like calling someone “pookie”.

Just like the old saying goes, a lot of things go after marriage.  One of the things that go, is the terms of endearment.   It went both ways.   I stopped saying a lot of those terms to my wife while my wife did also.  I think that being a guy I still use it a little more than my wife.  Talking to other married men, it seems to be that way unless they get called those weird names as “pookie”.

Once I became a dad, the terms of endearment stopped.  I think it goes directly to the kid.  It sure went directly to my son.  His mom tells him how much she loves him, she calls him “sweetie”, “lou-lou” which is short for “lovey lou”, “love” and the terms of endearment go on and on.

Being a new dad and a husband, I may be a little jealous of my son getting those terms of endearment instead of me from his mom.  I am just lucky to be called a “butt”.

To my wife: I still love you hot one and yes you still call me babe.

To all the readers of the Real Dad Blog:  We still do other things that keep the flame going besides terms of endearment.  To have a great marriage and to be a good role model to your children, you must keep that flame going.

If you like this post you may also like other stories in the Funny Dad section of the Dad Blog

How to make fun of your older brother

Buying mints for everyone in the wedding party: $20
Buying your sister a wedding present: $100
Catching your older brother who made fun of you growing up painting fingernails and toenails:  Priceless

Jeremy, I love you to death as a brother.   You are also a great dad.   I think this picture of you painting nails may be payback enough for all the times you made me cry.  I will still always remember the time when we were kids and we were playing dodge ball against the garage door.  I hit you right in the face with the ball while you were sticking your tongue out at me.  Too bad I cried and ran for mom because I knew you were going to beat me up.   This time I know we do not have to run because we are friends and brothers.  Back then, we were just brothers.  I am glad times change as we age.

Brother Painting Sister's Toenails for her wedding.

Real Dad Blog Version:  Having brothers can be hard sometimes.  I have 3 brothers.  My older brother Jeremy made fun of me a lot.  The 2 pictures of him doing nails is payback for all what he did to me when we were kids.  Payback!  This is exactly how you can make fun of your older brother.

So how do you make fun of your older brother?  Catch them painting their sister’s toenails the night before her wedding.   I guess that is what happens when he has 2 daughters.

Funny Nuk Baby Face Picture

We are lucky that our baby Rylan has only needed a Nuk to sleep or when he is really tired. It is more like a toy when he is really tired as you can see in this funny baby face picture of mom holding Rylan. In two months, we will have to wean him away from the Nuk.

Before Rylan was born we were hoping that we did not need a Nuk.  We found it to a savor of sleep for Rylan, mom and dad.  Rylan still uses it at the age of 10 months.  I love going into his room and see him making music with his two Nuks hitting together or the back and forth sound of the Nuks rubbing agaist the wood frame of the crib.

Some babies need a pacifier and others do not.  Just make sure as a parent you start weaning them at the age of one as other things can be used to calm them even if it means a few days of crabbiness. Dads, buck up and get ready for a few sleepless nights when the weaning process starts. Your baby does not need the Nuk after the age of one.

Baby with Nuk

Notes: Nuk is owned by Gerber. It is the brand our baby Rylan prefers to use. Our doctors recommended to wean our baby away from the Nuk / pacifier at the age of one.